Taking It All In Stride

In mid-April Jeff and I were thrilled to discover that we were pregnant for the 3rd time. We had toyed with the idea of having a third child for sometime and finally decided that it was the right time to go for it. The baby would be due sometime in early to mid December and the thought of having a baby in the midst of the holiday season just seemed so cheerful and happy to me.

But, from the very beginning, something just didn't feel right to me. Call it pessimism, call it instinct. Something just seemed "off". My pregnancy tests were VERY faint positives. I must have taken 6-8 tests over the course of 3-4 days and they really just weren't getting much darker. So I called my OB, explained my reservations, and they ordered blood tests. A few days later the OB called and said that I was indeed pregnant but I was VERY early on...like maybe only a few days pregnant. That didn't add up to me because, according to the dates, I should have been 4 weeks or so. She said my progesterone levels were low though and prescribed me progesterone pills to take twice a day. I tried not to over think it, but couldn't shake the feeling that the dates just weren't right.

So, life went on for the next few weeks. I began to have pregnancy symptoms...tired all the time, feeling extremely hungry, etc. But there were a few symptoms missing. With Nicholas and Lexi I had bad morning sickness from about 6 weeks through the end of the first trimester...I mean, throwing up multiple times a day (with Nicholas) and all day nausea (with Lexi...and that was only because I was actually taking anti-nausea medication). I chalked it up to every pregnancy being different but also as a bad sign...I mean, is it really possible that I would have responded so aggressively to nausea with the first two but have absolutely NOTHING with the third? Also, my blood sugars were not reacting with the same pattern as they had when I was pregnant with the first two. My endocrinologist chalked that up to the fact that I was on progesterone, which mess with blood sugars. But still, in the back of my mind, I wondered.

Fast forward to the second week in May, my first OB appt. At that point, I should have been 7 weeks along. We went in for the ultrasound and the doctor found an empty gestational sac, measuring at 5 weeks. She explained that I was probably just earlier along than I thought I was and an empty sac at 5 weeks is appropriate. I still didn't understand how I could be 2 weeks earlier than I had expected...again, the math didn't work. She said to do more blood work and to come in again in a week. That at 6 weeks she should be able to see a yolk sac and a fetal pole.

So, a LONG week passed. By Tuesday she had called to say that my blood work showed my hormone levels were increasing, which was a good sign. I started to feel like maybe things would work out and went in to the appt on Thursday feeling hopeful. On Thursday the ultrasound showed an empty gestational sac again, but this time measuring 6 weeks. I was in shock, but not surprised. The doctor said we'd have to come in one week later for one last check, but it was looking like a "missed abortion," meaning that the egg implanted in the uterine wall, but that the fetal tissue never grew. Essentially, my body was feeling pregnant even though nothing was developing inside. She said there was a "slight" chance they would see a fetal heartbeat next week.

Let's just say that the following week was agony for me. A whirlwind of emotion. I started that week feeling sad and resolved myself to accept the fact that we would indeed be having a miscarriage. But, then I started searching online about what our ultrasound had shown, and I found tons of people who had similar situations. Some people had indeed miscarried, but there were also a bunch of people who said they couldn't see anything on the ultrasound at 6 weeks but that by 8 or 9 weeks there was a heartbeat. This gave me some hope, which actually made it worse. I spent the days taking care of my two beautiful children, but the nights sobbing away about the "maybes"and the "what ifs." I even had a dream that I went in for the next ultrasound and everything was fine. I was torturing myself.

On Wednesday we went in for the next ultrasound. I was a nervous wreck...heart beating out of control, stomach queasy...the whole nine yards. The doctor started the ultrasound....I couldn't even look. I finally turned to face the screen and saw it....an empty sac. It's weird though because I thought I would have started bawling. I mean, I had played the scenario out in my head before we went and thought I would lose it. But, I didn't. In fact, I was amazingly calm. When I saw that empty sac, I actually felt peace. Not peace in the fact that I didn't have a baby, but peace from the tormenting "what ifs" that had robbed me of sleep and appetite the week prior. The doctor explained our options and I decided that I wanted a D & C. Part of my anxiety from the week prior was the thought of miscarrying while I was home, by myself, caring for the two kids. I didn't think I could handle it emotionally and I didn't want to scare Nicholas and Lexi. So, the D & C was scheduled for Friday at 2. I just wanted it to be over with.

As a cruel twist of fate, I actually started miscarrying naturally on Thursday afternoon. The doctor said we would still proceed with the D & C on Friday afternoon, to make sure all the tissue was gone and to prevent infection (which is extra important in my case because diabetics are more prone to infections). Jeff took me in on Friday, I went to sleep under general anesthesia, and then...it was over.

I feel fine now. Just a left over headache from the anesthesia, but physically, I'm fine. Emotionally, I'm almost there. I grieved for the most part the week prior. I'm sad that this pregnancy ended before it really began, and I mourn for the loss of the idea of my Christmas baby. Even though there never was a fetus inside of me, I thought there was and it felt like there was...so it really felt like a loss. Not many people knew about it, which made it harder for me, since I felt like I was going through it alone.

I wrestled with whether or not to actually write a blog post about this but I did it for two reasons. First, the story of our life on this blog is all about play dates, activities, holidays, and fun stuff around our house. It is about our kids, and me, and Jeff. But life isn't always fun times...there is good and bad. To ignore the bad parts makes it seems as if our life is idealistic. Yes, we have it good, but sometimes life has hard part too...and that's okay. Secondly, I wanted to write about it because I honestly never thought a miscarriage would happen to me. I know that's faulty thinking but I always thought it was something that happened to other people. My doctor said 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. I already had 2 successful pregnancy so the law of averages was catching up to me. While I'm glad I didn't tell too many people that I was pregnant initially, I find no shame in admitting that we had a pregnancy that ended the way it did.

For those of you who did know, thank you for your support. It really did (and does) mean a lot to me and Jeff. Friends and family make difficult times bearable.

One last thought...don't worry about me. I'm okay. Miscarriage is sad, but we're taking it all in stride. Thanks for reading our story.